Thursday, October 14, 2010

My new recipe.

We all know that i am a "FABULOUS CHEF". So I have just made a delicious new recipe! And lucky for you, I am willing to share it with all of my fabulous readers. I know cooking can be very stressful but DO NOT PANIC. I have broken it down into 11 very simple steps so that even if you don't know what you're doing in the kitchen (shame poor you) you can still follow.

Next year, I am hoping to win The South African blog award for BEST FOOD and WINE and/or COOKING BLOG. Simply Delicious better watch out.

Get out your ingredients for Pumpkin-ala-lentil-mush.
Post a facebook status as follows: "OMG How do you cook a pumpkin?" For maximum results you can also post this status to twitter and google chat.
STEP 3: 
Assess status results: 
Warren: Put it in the oven with some olive oil you could dice it up into squares, put it in a metal roasting dish or casserole dish add some pepper & salt. (mmm. there is that slight lack-of-oven problem.)
ManfredRoast with honey/brown sugar, splash of whiskey and cinnamon, then add cream and on slow heat. Trust me, will be the best pumpkin you eat in your life! (you think i really have those kind of ingredients just lying around. I'm NOT italian, manfredi.)
Brian: Make it in Pie Form! (really? Brian. I am not capable of that)
Vanessa: You can par-boil it with a little bit of water. cut it up though first. or put it in microwave also chop it first pls!

Set fire to your lentils and drown your pumpkin in water.

Make sure there is enough steam in your apartment so that you cannot see out your windows. (Vital since you do not want nosey-parkers to peek in and steal your secret recipe.)

* Also, do NOT be alarmed by crackling fire-sounds coming from the gas stove or charcoal smells that may be emitted. it is only your stove trying to TRICK YOU.

By now your pumpkin should look like this (these are NOT peaches. once again, stove trying to trick you) and unexpectedly reaching a rather mushy stage.
That's ok. (OF COURSE we knew that was going to happen.)
Add your pumpkin to your lentils. looks delicious at this point. also you can add a tin of black kidney beans. If you do not have this... Don't worry, you can just substitute it with anything. I don't mind.
if you find another tin of something in your cupboard, just add that. (that's what we over here are doing. but we are professional. and everything is TOTALLY under control.)

At this point it is interesting to note that you may not even be cooking pumpkin.

is this pumpkin? I'm not sure. I don't think so. (slight panic.)

No worry. We'll just change the recipe name to Steaming-Bean-Piles.

Add some tinned chopped tomatoes to your steaming-bean-piles. and some baked beans.
If you ended up with tinned-tomato-sauce instead of chopped tomatoes. Do not panic. we understand.
we were also not expecting that.

Remember what your wise father said about tomatoes making things "tart"...
Counteract this by adding a handful of brown sugar.

Things are looking shaky. Check Facebook again for status updates.
Jon: You can make Pumpkin curry!
Ah! YES JON!! GREAT idea!
Search around in your cupboard and find a half-used bag of old curry powder.
check best before date. still good.
ok. add that. however much you feel. it's all good.

STEP 10:
pour yourself a glass of wine. because cooking is VERY stressful. and everything tastes better with wine.
STEP 11:
enjoy with a chilled glass of wine... yum yum.

you now have a year's supply of Steaming-Bean-Piles.

* You're Welcome *

I wouldn't really try this at home. it is only for extremely talented chefs.
Order in.


Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha ha. I love it. You're so talented in the kitchen, it's frightening.

Ndileka said...

you almost had me in tears che- that was hilaroius. not sure if it would taste sooo good...those really did look like peaches? (maybe they were dried peaches?!) hha

Che said...

i am SO talented in the kitchen. in fact i'm thinking of opening a restaurant. and i'm ONLY going to serve steaming-bean-piles.

Dee said...

Oh no Che!

Feel so bad you picked up NO TIPS while living at home. Please tell your friends that we have better meals than STEAMING BEAN PILES !!

Laughed out loud

wernerkrause said...

you should actually put some peaches in a curry (if you ever dare make one - again?), it compliments the spiciness (being sweet). i'm sure there's a lot of people who started out worse! good innovation!

Ange said...

That was amazing! I particularly liked the wine're so right, EVERYthing tastes better with wine x

Bobby said...

Yum ;)

Graham said...

So what happened to the.....Start with an onion ?... Oh done that...
Looking forward to tasting the steamingbeanpiles on your next visit

Genevieve said...

lol!! you have a gift, I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so much. This post reminds me of the first few months after I left home, classic!

Che said...

don't worry. i also had tears streaming down my face... mainly from sheer joy and pride that i managed to concoct something that, so far, hasn't killed me. *weeps*