Tuesday, December 4, 2012

{Christmas: Office Party Survival}

The end of the year is drawing to a close and with it comes a multitude of various Christmas Parties - including the infamous office party. A party, with alcohol, with all your *favourite* work colleagues. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing, I know.

just in case, there exists within your office dynamic, the very small chance for things to go horribly pear-shaped, I have put together a little Office Party Survival Guide. 

You're welcome.

First on the list of office party survival - The sneaky little food traps. The end of year for South Africa - is also the time for full blown summer season - think bikinis, beach, sea and bikinis. Office parties are loaded with sneaky little food traps that will try to entice you with their greasy demeanors:
cocktail sausages, deep fried potato wedges smothered in sour cream - don't mind if i do!

Summer is on its way and if you are getting married like moi - you will also want to make sure you fit into your wedding dress and devouring these little fat traps is not going to help you.

You want to avoid eating these little oil-slickers. The most sure-fire way to prevent yourself from over-indulging - will be to bring your own plate of {healthy} eats to the party.

It is very important that you inform your boss the reason as to why you are bringing your own healthy food to his office party - you wouldn't want to offend him by not eating the food he has provided for you.

Explain this to your boss very clearly - 

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He will get the message loud and clear.
well done.

apart from the office party food - 

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(if you are currently reading this in your office - {naughty} i know what you're doing - you're shaking your head saying "nope, not me!")

you're a liar.

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 it doesnt need to be a fancy one.

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Because all employees love the office-party-free-booze, there will most definitely be a congregation of colleagues gathered around the watering-spot. Therefore if you are intent on maximizing your free booze consumption you will be forced to stand around the booze table and make mindless small talk with a whole spam of your dim-witted office "buddies"


Ain't nobody got time for that.

Cue hip-flask: When you get to the front of the free booze table - load up your hip flask(s) with the all the alcohol that will fit. This will save you having to come back to the booze table to reload (for at least several hours) and inadvertently make obnoxious chit-chat with your team manager. You will be able to find a quiet spot and drink alone, in peace - you can thank me later.

Having mastered the art of the free booze you will need to become aware of the following office-party laws - 

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no, she doesn't like it.
(and  - she'll put in you jail for that shit)

also - becoming too "friendly" with office colleagues, may lead to "over-sharing" which you may or may not regret in the morning:

you shouldn't do that.
but you also shouldn't be stealing staples.


In fact, apart from not getting too "friendly" with anyone in the office - you should also not be getting too "friendly" with anything from the office:


you may think this is hilarrrrious. 
But, your boss - 
she may not.

Do not get drunk with any of your office equipment:
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You will feel like you are missing out on vital office gossip this way - you are not - 
and you will hear all of it tomorrow anyway at the water cooler.

When (and if) people notice you have been missing from the party - 

You reply with a simple - 


Ned from accounts does not exist.

But your colleagues will feel too embarrassed that they do not know Ned-from-Accounts to question you. They will also not ask each other for fear of being labeled as the self-obsessed-office-airhead who has not taken the time to get to know his colleagues. 

Genius, i know.

And! at the end of the day - your aim of the office party is to make a name for yourself as an up-and-coming super star in the realms of your little company. A well-directed compliment is for sure the easiest way to get your work force to sit up and take notice of you :

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But really - we need to find out who he is?!



Happy Holidays
and safe Christmas parties to all!


dixiechick said...

crap! if only you posted this a week earlier! sound advice!! 8-)

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