I have recently been subjected to the torturous venom of dentistry. (Two veneer caps implanted into the back of my mouth, if you must know). Make no mistake that i HATE the dentist. It's not a mild disliking or a "meh, not really my cuppa tea", I actually actively HATE them. It stems from a childhood trauma involving 6 year old twins, a piggy back race and a slab of concrete. It did not end well for me, my face, or the concrete and then I nearly suffocated to death when my aunt attempted to be the "dental assistant" because there was no one else to deal with me in the after hours trauma unit. So to sum up: a deep seated psychological loathing, if you will.
In fact, I'd actually start a riotous protest outside the dental buildings voicing my hate if I could.
But I have to go back there next week - so I'm keeping a low profile.
Now that I'm SO OLD AND MATURE I thought I would be able to move passed my dental hate, but my appointment this week has reaffirmed everything I HATE about dentists. And I have compiled the following list:
26 things I would like to say to dentists
1. Are you actually serious?
2. You go ahead and show me how to open my mouth ANY WIDER than it currently is.
3. Stop trying to get your whole arm in my FACE, woman!
4. I will bite you.
5. Exactly where do you get your "dental tools" from, lady?
6. So what did they call you in PRISON?
7. I know your type. You thrive on that cavity smell.
8. Did you actually choose this job? Like Actually? But how?
9. "oh, this won't hurt a... " YOU. ARE. SUCH A LIAR!!
10. Ok, then you sit in this chair and let ME have a go.
11. You think your chair is "a ride"? - Oh. You have not lived.
12. No. But could I exchange it for some gin?
13. What happened to laughing gas? I'd like some of that.
14. Are you sneaking that laughing gas? What else are you sneaking - huh, prison shankster?!?
15.
16. You make me want to floss EVERY day. So that I NEVER see your ugly FACE.
17. Why do you wear that denty-mask? Is it because of YOUR FACE?
18. "Would you like an injection?" Um. Would you like a frontal lobotomy?
18. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.
19.
20. I hear nothing of what you are saying except: "crap crap crap crap INJECTION. DRILL"
21. Don't try and be all friendly with me while you are holding a massive needle headed towards my FACE. I wasn't born YESTERDAY, WOMAN.
22. So you've put the injection in my mouth, the mirror, the prison shank, cotton swabs and four dental hands and THEN you ask me how my mother is. Wow. For all those years at "MED. SCHOOL" - you are not very bright.
23. Even if I could talk to you. I don't want to.
24. It's so cute that you think i'm "smiling" at you - but really you've just injected me with a vial of limp-face.
25. Let's be clear - we are not friends.
AND
26. You are NOT invited to my Christmas party.
BONUS! as an added EXTRA to indieBerries fans! I have designed
BEHOLD:
And it's all for FREE! for you to download!
You see!
I could never be a dentist -
I'm WAY too kind.
So if you have a friend who is heading to the dentist today - send this along to them! Or if you just hate dentists in general or you know someone who does - send it! Or if you would like to print some out for your office as a group stress-relieving activity go right ahead! I'm all for dental-dart boards!
If you are a dentist reading this, you can take one to print for your waiting room.
JUST KIDDING DENTISTS
- I ain't giving you nothing.
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If you'd like to keep up with my further dental woes -
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If you'd like to keep up with my further dental woes -
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In other news, husband flew back from his trip to Botswana last night - he has been out of signal/contact/wifi for the past week. He has missed so many indieBerries Blog posts! And I'm going to quiz him on every. single. one he's missed. Damn. He's one lucky guy.
16 comments :
hahaa. i love this. it's also brilliant that i'm reading this IN A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM! I was scared, now i'm just fueled.. It's a good thing I didn't bring my darts :)
Love this!!!! I have a tiny jaw and they always put a 'kiddies' block in to extend it open until one dentist actually said "oh we can just dislocate her jaw to get back there" I was like Oh hell no!
haha this was me last week and again on tuesday! eek - great post!
This was a great post. Glad your husband is home and I have a new dart board. You know what else is fun? Throwing wet paper towels at the wall.
hahaha i've had a crap day and this comment just made me lol haha :) thanks
oh im also going back on tuesday - you shall be in my thoughts (and silent dental ragings)
OH, MY SOUL. "discolate my jaw - NA-UH, ya aint!!"
hahaha hope the dentist visit went ok!! (hello? are you still there? are you alive?)
thanks. grrrrrrr :(
haha you're welcome
Great cartoons! ..But you're seeing the wrong dentists!!
I don't know how, but you left out the main thing that I hate about dentists - the fact that they're always sticking stuff near your throat in a bid to make you retch. I literally believe it's a game between the dentist and his assistant person, to see how many times they can do it before I start crying.
hahaha! :) this post is nothing against my dentists - they are really actually very lovely... i just would prefer never to see them! haha
Genius!
fadedwindmills.blogspot.com
Che you are just SO hilarious! So sorry about the trauma! Come back to London now to get away from the Dentist please!! x
Haha I love your cartoons so much. I'll definitely have to share this one on my link love next week xx
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