Monday, January 23, 2012

Crap-holes of Asia.

After backpacking around Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos for 5 weeks - I feel I have become an unequivocal expert on Asian lavatory-systems. I would like to impart some of my accumulated knowledge with you to better prepare you if you ever decide to have an extended period of bumming around Asia. (see what i did there?) I have identified five varieties of Asian Ablutions. Pay attention:

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That was a joke.
I was making sure you are paying attention.
This stuff is serious.

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look at your shaky legs. and you haven't even assumed the position yet. lol.

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(I recommend pre-Asian-holiday quad-squat marathons in your nearest gymnasium. You'll be grateful.)

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DO NOT SIT DOWN.

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YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR EXERCISES!!

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really.
No pre-purchased toilet paper in your hand-bag? 
THE VERY FIRST VITAL RULE of backpacking Asia.

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yeah, bet you wish you had done those quad-squats now.
too late buddy.

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don't drink the water.
i'm not kidding.

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You may want to practise a few emergency landings too.
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A clothes peg will help. But not much. 
Practise natural mouth-breathing techniques.

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Rogue twigs. 
GAAH.

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Not even 8 year olds can get away with this.
Girl-aiming is tricksy, but you really need to try.

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you don't want other people watching.

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There is a fine line between avoiding 'the others' and becoming 'that person'.


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just kidding,
water is good for you.

29 comments :

Dominique J Buck said...

Hahahaha! Too funny. I've been hanging my bag round my neck and working those quads for nearly three years now. The secret technique is essential to happy bowels in Asia. Preach it! ;)

Jacci Hall said...

got to love asia!

Lisa Wilmot said...

This brought back so many memories of travelling around Asia. I am grateful that a friend shoved 4 rolls of TP in my backpack at the airport. I was also given this weird funnel thing by a friend and she promised I would not regret packing it.  I looked at it and thought there is no way in hell I am peeing through that but I tell you what one look at a long drop in Hanoi had me using the funnel which it turns out works quite well and hygienically. Thanks for the great and colourful blog!!!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Hysterical as usual

Gong Xi Fa Ca!

Janine van Staden said...

hahaha!! Hilarious !

Nat said...

Haha! I am so paranoid about dirty toilets... I was already worried about the loo scene in Vietnam/Cambodia, now I am sh*tting myself! I ahev invested in a shee wee and anitbac wipes, potable loo paper etc etc for our trip. Will be doing daily quad strengthening exercises too afterreading this

JJ Willis said...

Awesome post, I live in Indo where the Dodgy Dodge and Ceramic hole are frequently a challenge. Great advice for new travelers.

Che Kershaw said...

haha i feeeeeeel your pain!

Che Kershaw said...

toilet paper and quad exercises = ESSENTIAL. 

Che Kershaw said...

i could have done with a contraption like that!! lol. Hanoi was beautiful (dodgy toilets and all) :)

Beingbrazen said...

hahahaha!!!

Stephvstaden said...

hahahaha hiehiehiehie!
so funny! not sure i want to go there now.  i already have a fear of public toilets! xx

Jessica Jang said...

good job and really funny,Che! Couldn't be more true, but other than the toilets, I <3 Asia. I also miss your face! Happy year of the Dragon :)

Bailey Schneider said...

Wahahahahaha! I hate that as girls the world is NOT our urinal, like it is for guys!
Um... probably better that way -except when in Asia ;-)
Much love, Bailey from Vanilla Blonde

kirsten lapping said...

This is brilliant!! Such a spot on description of toilets in Asia. Also just got back from 6 weeks in Asia - the best trip ever but I think I will always be scarred by the toilet experiences!  My worst was a toilet on an overnight bus from Siem Reip to Sihanoukville - I attempted the dehydration but after 8 hours of the bus not stopping I gave in. It was a dodgy dodge x 100 made worse by the darkness and swaying of the bus (thanks to the mad Cambodian bus driver and endless potholes)! My quadriceps have never worked so hard!! Thanks for the lovely blog - always brightens my day!

Che Kershaw said...

hahahahaha! oh OVERNIGHT BUS TOILET!! i send my condolences to your quads and nostrils. :) We never made it to Sihanoukville - I have heard it's beautiful - hope it was worth the dodgy-dodge!

Che Kershaw said...

happy New Year to you Mrs Jang~!

Vanessanberger said...

Love this!! those toilets on the floor killed me! (def had strong quads by the end of the trip!) 

Little Miss Medic said...

Bahahahhhhhhhaaaaaaaa! Brilliant! Has to be one of my favourite cartoons yet!!! xoxo

Laura Bostwick said...

ceramic holes are an EVIL JOKE! ....they are WAY to easy to get intimate with.  ew.

Plum said...

brilliant! I also try not drink too much water so that if you are travelling around you don't need to find a loo, and if possible I always see if I can hold it in until I reach a hotel. Always have tissues, wet wipes and hand sanitiser, and squatting and mastering the art of holding your breath is a must!

Che Kershaw said...

haha dehydration and open-mouth-breathing are by far the most NB techniques to acquire whilst backpacking Asia! :P

Weezafish said...

If my cheeks are still hurting when I type a comment, that's a funny blog post man :) I'm late, but Happy New Year

Che Kershaw said...

so glad to have given you some hurting cheek-pangs! :)

Kathryn (Becoming you) said...

This is an essential guide for future reference. Thank you for your contribution to society in general! I will be forever grateful for my amazing toilet experiences (even at home) from now on....

Caitlincorcoran9 said...

so funny, so true and so scary! i have perfected the handbag round neck, wet wipe over face to mask smell, quads made of steel and clinging to the door which has no lock and randoms always pulling it open  combo. thanks China. my thighs love you

Che Kershaw said...

hahaha! viva la china!

fathima said...

OMFW Ché, this is HILARIOUS! I have tear streaks down my face and have been guffawing out loud and probably woke the whole house and neighbours. You are awesome. And I am never going to Asia.

Che Kershaw said...

hahahahaaha. YAY. and you should definitely go to asia. just pack toilet paper. and your own porti-loo.